Smells Like Guilt

Man, it's been a whole week since I last wrote a post. I would like to tell you that I had a great excuse, but it's mostly inertia. I even had about 3 hours to myself this morning, and instead I find myself posting now, with M on my lap and O yanking at my arm. I have excellent timing.

Oh ha ha ha ha...I wrote that about a week ago without ever finishing it. So now it's been TWO weeks. Who knew that the guilt of motherhood also filters through to blogs about motherhood?!

It hasn't been too eventful around here. The past week or so has been about getting back into the routine after vacation and chicken pox. M is as pleased to be back at school as I am (guiltily) to have her there. There is really only so much I can do to keep her entertained at home, and with the conservatory going up at the back of the house, the kids haven't been able to enjoy the garden. We, on the other hand, are VERY excited to have an extra room added on to the house. OK, fine, in US terms, it's pretty much the size of a walk-in closet, but in England it's A WHOLE NEW ROOM. This passes for excitement in my life.

So I have New Closet Room excitement and THE GUILT. Someone should warn you about that. Or maybe they do but it doesn't really sink in until you go ahead and make babies and then realize that you will feel guilty about pretty much everything for the rest of your life. Work? Guilt. Stay at home? Guilt for not working. Frozen fish fingers? Guilt. Frozen fish fingers AND you're not working? Forget it. You-are-probably-going-to-hell Guilt. A friend once told that if motherhood had a perfume, that's what they'd call it. My guess is that it would smell a little bit like stale milk and vomit, with a hint of laundry detergent.

Later this week, I'm headed back home to visit with close friends. I'd like to say that I'm going guilt-free but that is never true these days. I'm so excited for the trip; I can't wait to see my friends; but in the back of my mind is the inevitable sensation that I am Abandoning My Children. (Sorry, Husband, but the guilt for Spousal Abandonment has a much higher threshold.) I know it's not a rational sensation (it is only a weekend trip after all), but it's hard to immerse yourself fully in the joy of it when you know you are ultimately taking a selfish moment (or weekend. OK, fine, four days. Whatever.)

I think this feeling is probably compounded by the fact that I've been talking to someone about a possible part-time job. It seems like a perfect solution for me, though it's not yet set in stone. I'd be in the office for three days, working from home for one and off for one. It could be a great balance, but after all this time at home, I know the transition back wouldn't be easy.

This is where you shake me by the shoulders and tell me to Shut Up Already! Go ahead. Electronically or whatever. I need it.

But if you see a woman in the airport, drinking champagne and looking guilty, don't get too close. She probably smells a little like stale milk, vomit and laundry detergent.