Hiatus

Well, let's try this again.

As it turns out, blog writing isn't hugely compatible with working/parenting/breathing (at least for me.) But now I'm back at home after a few years of gainful employment, and since I have a guilt for not working more free time and a nanny who helps out with the kids, I figure it wouldn't be bad to get this blog going again. Because surely with no job AND childcare, I should have many hours available to make significant contributions to society, right?? Of course! Many hours! Blogging counts as a contribution to society, surely. I'm also counting my eyebrow threading appointment on Thursday, because wow you do NOT want me to stop doing that...

Lucky for you I have actually learned some things in the last 3 years, which I think important to share. You can thank me later.

Important Wisdom:

1. Sometimes, when you think might get a family dog, it actually ends up being a third child. If this happens, do not also get a dog. That would be overkill.

2. Never cut up your child's food until you receive SPECIFIC instructions from them on how many pieces they want and whether they prefer triangles or squares. Get it in writing, if possible, because you cannot undo that shit.

3. When you have more than one kid, bath night should be an every other day thing at MOST. In winter, this stretches to every 3 days. The way that I see it, the clothing protects them from the dirt, right? If your clothing is that gross after school, I'm assuming it took the brunt of all the encounters with earthworms and playground equipment and the underlying skin is still pristine.

4. If you weave enough loom bands together and attach them to a pen, you can fire sharpened pencils at the baby's eyeballs, bow-and-arrow style.

5. You can never get all of your children to all behave well at the same time. The universe won't allow it.

6. Most children do not still have a pacifier when they are 18, so no biggie if they have one when they are little. Especially if it gives you 8 minutes of peace and quiet. Same goes for TV. Sometimes you have to let them rot their brains. You wouldn't want them to end up smarter than you anyway; it would upset the power balance.

7. If you are still wearing your pajamas while shouting at your kids to get dressed, they won't listen to you, even if you are using your best threats.

8. "You are never going to watch Frozen ever again!" is a very effective threat. Exception: See above.

9. A kid's tooth can get knocked back up into the gums and it will COME OUT AGAIN and completely recover. You, however, might not. 

10. It doesn't matter what you pack your kids for entertainment on a long haul flight, they will only want to watch the iPad, roam the aisles or fight with each other. Everything else is just a 30 second distraction. On the other hand, you can never have too many snacks and changes of clothing. 


There's probably more, but I have some other important contributions to make to society.

Snake in a Can

Do you remember that gag with the fake can of nuts and the cloth snake with a spring in it? "Hey, want a peanut? BOOIIINNGGG!"

That was a good one, huh?

And you know how it was really, really hard to get the stupid snake back into the container and close the lid because every time you'd have almost shoved the whole springy thing back in and maneuvered the lid into place it would shoot back out and the lid would fly off and you'd have to start over?

Because I am totally experiencing it again. Except instead of a fake can of nuts, it's a stroller, and instead of a springy snake, it's a screaming, flailing, totally freaking out two-year-old. "Hey, want a toddler? What? Why not?!"

Four times in the last week I've had to strap O into his stroller because he was having a fit. All of them have been the result of completely unreasonable reactions to mundane things like getting on a bus or dressing for school. I think it comes from his desire to control what he can (putting on pants, walking to the bus stop) and learning to be an independent being, and I understand all that. I also realize it's a phase that most kids go through, but wow, can it ever be unpleasant!

Sometimes I can head him off at the pass; when I know he's tired or if it's no big deal to let him do what he wants, then I'm happy to avoid a scene. But there are other times, like when he wants to eat lollipops at 7am or tries to throw himself into oncoming traffic, that I just can't give in. And when a little kid gets to the screaming, kicking, sobbing, shrieking stage, it's very, very difficult to do anything to stop it.

At home, you can let it pass. The kitchen floor will take a beating from stomping little feet, and I've learned to mentally block out the noise to a certain extent. But when you're out in public, things get more complicated. I've come up with a few steps to get through it:

What To Do When Your Small Child Freaks Out In Public

Step 1- Make calming noises and glance around to see who is looking (everyone.) Stroke child's hair soothingly but keep fingers away from biting mouth.

Step 2- Explain to the child why it is inappropriate to behave so badly for such a silly reason, ideally giving Back Story to all eavesdropping bystanders. "No, you can't take the 33 bus because we need the R68, and you are not allowed on your own because you are two. And it is unreasonable of you to demand that I repair your broken banana after you threw it on the floor because you didn't want it at first but now you do. Also, you are exhausted for having been up 4 times in the middle of the night, and I am trying to be patient but I too was up 4 times in the middle of night, and I still have to go home and cook dinner."

Step 3- Try to elicit sympathetic looks from those bystanders who haven't stuck their fingers in their ears from all the screaming.

Step 4- Apparently pretty much no one wants to listen to a screaming child, so you do what you can to remove yourself and the offending kid from the situation. As I've mentioned, the stroller is handy for quick getaway, but wow, do you ever look like a Terrible Parent when you are trying to strap down a screaming kid who is acting like the fabric on the seat is burning them and you are the devil who is making them sit in the evil, evil thing. Keep up the Sympathetic-Look-Eye-Contact, with an occasional So-Sorry-About-My-Crazy-Child-Smile.

Step 5- Run. (Yes, the child has to go with you.)

Step 6- Enlist significant other's help in opening bottle of wine.

OK, so it might not put me in the Parenting Hall of Fame, but it helps in a pinch. What do you do when your kid throws a tantrum?

Wheeeee!

Phwooof...*dusts off blog*

Does this thing still work?
Testing, testing, one, two...

Oh hi! How's it going? What's new? Gosh, you look great. Have you lost weight? Because seriously, that outfit looks ah-MAZ-ing on you. No, really.

Wait, what? Why have I not posted in awhile? Um, well uh, it's just that I'm busy, you know, and um, there was this stuff, and work, and uh, the kids and all, and you know, stuff.

Did I mention that you look skinny? Hey, look over there, it's Elvis!

But for reals, I could stand to have a few extra hours in the day. It's 2011, for gods sake, you'd think they could have figured out how to accommodate that. And because England is located somewhere in the Arctic Circle (or something), the sun is setting around 4 p.m., making you feel like it's the middle of night when in fact it's only 8 p.m. Luckily, my kids are super gullible so I continue to pull the whole, "Whoa, have you SEEN how DARK it is?? Must be bed time! Hurry up, pajamas on! Teeth brushed! Get in bed!" at around 6.

We are smack dab in the middle of potty training O, and it seems to be going pretty well. Or at least it has for last the 24 hours, 10 of which he spent in bed with a diaper on. But hooray for the other 14! Tomorrow should be an interesting test as we venture into public to an event I have for work. It seems risky, but because it's a Mommy Blogger gathering, I figure any accidents will at least make for good material.

But in all honesty, I'm super happy about the progress. For awhile there he was in this terrible limbo of not wanting to use the potty and also not wanting to go his diaper, so he'd hop around, grabbing his crotch area, and hold it in. Which is ridiculous and also seems very uncomfortable. But I guess two-and-a-half-year-old kids are not known for their reasonable behavior. (See also Exhibit B in which O chucks a screaming fit because I won't let him have candy for breakfast.)

Thankfully, he seems to be more accepting of the potty as an option, and he LOVES his new underwear. I mean, you should see him strutting around the house wearing it. He has a huge grin on his face and keeps checking his butt out in the mirror - like, "Wow, I look AWESOME without diapers." And every time he goes in the potty, he gives you a huge high five, which I love. There should be more high-fiving after bathroom breaks. Assuming you wash your hands.

M has also been very encouraging. She likes to provide examples of her superior potty use, offering to show O exactly how it's done and giving visual examples whenever possible. Very helpful. So far we've only tackled the seated position, but at some point we're going to have to teach him how to go while standing (once his junk is higher than the seat, is my guess. Kinda hard to pee in the toilet if you have to aim up.) (Not that I would know for sure, I feel like it's a good guess.)

So, anyway, that's probably enough about wee for one post.
And welcome back! Have I mentioned how nice your hair looks?