Wednesday, July 9, 2014


Well, let's try this again.

As it turns out, blog writing isn't hugely compatible with working/parenting/breathing (at least for me.) But now I'm back at home after a few years of gainful employment, and since I have a guilt for not working more free time and a nanny who helps out with the kids, I figure it wouldn't be bad to get this blog going again. Because surely with no job AND childcare, I should have many hours available to make significant contributions to society, right?? Of course! Many hours! Blogging counts as a contribution to society, surely. I'm also counting my eyebrow threading appointment on Thursday, because wow you do NOT want me to stop doing that...

Lucky for you I have actually learned some things in the last 3 years, which I think important to share. You can thank me later.

Important Wisdom:

1. Sometimes, when you think might get a family dog, it actually ends up being a third child. If this happens, do not also get a dog. That would be overkill.

2. Never cut up your child's food until you receive SPECIFIC instructions from them on how many pieces they want and whether they prefer triangles or squares. Get it in writing, if possible, because you cannot undo that shit.

3. When you have more than one kid, bath night should be an every other day thing at MOST. In winter, this stretches to every 3 days. The way that I see it, the clothing protects them from the dirt, right? If your clothing is that gross after school, I'm assuming it took the brunt of all the encounters with earthworms and playground equipment and the underlying skin is still pristine.

4. If you weave enough loom bands together and attach them to a pen, you can fire sharpened pencils at the baby's eyeballs, bow-and-arrow style.

5. You can never get all of your children to all behave well at the same time. The universe won't allow it.

6. Most children do not still have a pacifier when they are 18, so no biggie if they have one when they are little. Especially if it gives you 8 minutes of peace and quiet. Same goes for TV. Sometimes you have to let them rot their brains. You wouldn't want them to end up smarter than you anyway; it would upset the power balance.

7. If you are still wearing your pajamas while shouting at your kids to get dressed, they won't listen to you, even if you are using your best threats.

8. "You are never going to watch Frozen ever again!" is a very effective threat. Exception: See above.

9. A kid's tooth can get knocked back up into the gums and it will COME OUT AGAIN and completely recover. You, however, might not. 

10. It doesn't matter what you pack your kids for entertainment on a long haul flight, they will only want to watch the iPad, roam the aisles or fight with each other. Everything else is just a 30 second distraction. On the other hand, you can never have too many snacks and changes of clothing. 

There's probably more, but I have some other important contributions to make to society.

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